During football season my family drove 2 cars to church on Sundays.

The second car was the "leave church early to go watch football" car.


I just read the NYTimes review on this season's The Osbournes. I am beginning to think the poor family has bad karma. What else could it be? That's not a terribly horrid thing, but it should be taken into consideration.

The Osbournes got bad karma.
Whew! This morning I got stuck in my building elevator. Kind of eventful since I was by myself, and I work on the 32nd floor in one of those big buildings that you see on T.V. when they show any kind of shot of New York City. So anyway. I am stuck. I stand there thinking about how I can make this day a nice day, since I might die.
So long story long.
I get out of the elevator.
I get back on the elevator to go to my floor. I sit at my desk and think about how I can make a difference. I thought "wouldn't it be cool if I plugged Wrigley's new Extra gum flavor "Wildberry Frost" today? So I decide to do that, and gave all the editors in editorial a stick of gum. So if I die today, I will be known as "the girl that was plugging Wrigley's new Extra flavor Wildberry Frost on Tuesday morning January 27th, 2004."


So I am ordering soup at Bagel and Bean on 7th ave. and uh, 53rd street. I see a listing for a soup called Bean Bacon Soup. I think to myself "yes, that sounds nice, a little beans, a little bacon, some veggies... nice and toasty. Great." So they pour me a cup' of Bean Bacon Soup.

I sit down to eat the soup. Open the lid. Surprised and disappointed at my lack of better understanding...

It's Pork N' Beans people. It's Pork N' Beans.
Upper East Side novelty store window sign: "Resort Wear Arrived!"
Wrigleys owns all of the gum made here in the U.S. Did you know that? I thought it was all separate - like Big Red was Big Red, and Juicy Fruit was Juicy Fruit. But no, this is America. What was I thinking.
Anyway, the only reason I know this is because I wanted to do a little promoting.
Buy the new Extra flavor - wildberry. Its good.
I am not sure there will be a superbowl commercial about WildBerry Extra gum, but there should be.

Along the lines of gum.
Last night on the Metro North New Haven line, I read this passage in The Solace of Open Spaces by Gretel Ehrlich. I will quote it for your reading enjoyment.

"From the clayey soil of northern Wyoming is mined bentonite, which is used as a filler in candy, gum, and lipstick. We Americans are great on fillers, as if what we have, what we are, is not enough. We have a cultural tendency toward denial, but, being affluent, we strangle ourselves with what we can buy. We have only to look at the houses we build to see how we build against space, the way we drink against pain and loneliness. We fill up space as if it were a pie shell, with things whose opacity further obstructs our ability to see what is already there."
I wasn't going to type anything about it, but I am sitting here thinking maybe I should - out of common courtesy.

So anyway. I am all-consumed with this project I am working on; thus my blog is inadvertently getting the shaft. All of my attention is focused elsewhere. Of course I post when I have ideas (duh) but all I'm saying is that it might not be as frequent as you might be used to.



Today this made me laugh. I really like Pixar. On Saturday some friends and I agreed that those Pixar kids are most definately creating things "under the influence". Word of advice - (Sherri - you can back me up on this) WATCH ANTZ! HIGH.


My wickedly wise hippie-India-backpacker-cousin Tania took me to a Mystic Healing Meditation session last night in SoHo. It was cool. I totally felt energy swirling around my body. Tania said that she saw colors shooting all around when the "Healer" threw energy her way. Maybe it was the shrooms. The fun part was when they touch your "chakra" points - it really sets your brain straight. Too bad I had to go home to chaos. But whatever, it was chill to be in a room with aging braless hippies. In Alaska we call them “Cannery Rats”. Anyway – If anyone is interested in Mystic Healing / Meditation – just shoot me an email. Its donation based, and happens every Tuesday night.
The Rolling Stone article about Alaska and logging...


Oh boy! Just what my cold Alaskan heart has been dying for. A little NYC props. This Saturday at 1pm in Brooklyn there were will be a mock Idiotarod. See Details below. You know I will be there!

when: Sat 1.24 (1pm)
where: Pedro's Bar and Restaurant (73 Jay St, DUMBO, 718.855.8910)
price: $5 per person / $25 per team
links: Event Info
description: Sure Alaskan huskies are cute, but drunken idiots are a lot funnier. This stroke-of-ignoramus reinterpretation of the famous Alaskan Iditarod dogsled race shifts the workhorse indignities from dog to human, replacing the sled with a shopping cart and the huskies with men and women. Beginning in DUMBO and ending in Union Square, teams of racers (four pullers, one rider) must hit two checkpoints along the way, but there's no specified route — it's every idiot for himself. So, get to work "finding" a cart and modifying it for increased shock absorption. It's time to pull your own weight — mush! (JKG)

Here is an account of the REAL iditarod yo!
This taxi cab driver said this to me when it was raining:

In this kind of weather
when you hurt
you feel pain more

I told him to take me through the park.
What exactly would one be carrying when they are carrying “January paraphernalia”?
On Friday night I would have said "a Zippo."
On Saturday night I would have said "Vicodin."
On Sunday night I would have said "a Carafe."
This is my favorite song (this week).


She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

Have you seen her dressed in blue
See the sky in front of you
And her face is like a sail
Speck of white so fair and pale
Have you seen the lady fairer

She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

Have you seen her all in gold
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen the lady fairer

She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She's like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors

She's like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors


I am just passing time on the Anchorage Daily News website today. Counting down the days (156) until I get to go back and put my feet up. Here are some pictures that caught my eye:


a story from 2003 headlines:
Pilgrim family takes on the Park Service: The 17 members of the Pilgrim family stood in August on the 420 acres they bought near the head of McCarthy Creek in the Wrangell-St. Elias National Park. “We brought what the epitome of a wilderness family really is in Alaska,” said Papa Pilgrim, who carries a Bible, matches and heart-attack tablets in a buckskin holster on his belt. “We’re just modest, simple folks, not some strange religion.” Papa Pilgrim, whose real name is Robert Hale, wanted to build a subsistence farmstead, but access to the property was difficult. So Hale drove a bulldozer down an old mine access road and into a legal war with the National Park Service. In November, a federal judge ruled that the Park Service has the right to require a permit before the family can use a bulldozer to haul supplies up the route. (Photo by Marc Lester / Anchorage Daily News)

Play this fun Kenai River Game.

anchorage, alaska covered in snow.


Script idea about how a anti-homeless lunatic becomes a DC Comics superhero.
A girl at Citibank is getting money early in the morning. A homeless guy calls out from a shadow:
“You got change?”
“Hey mister, I barely have change for myself.”
Then, as she is depositing 40 dollars cash in her delinquent account, she is overcome with guilt. She scoops up all her spare change, and drops it in his filthy palm
“You know, I am giving you part of my lunch money.”
The man does not really understand because he is kind of crazy
“Hey! Do you understand what I just said?? I am giving you my lunch money. We are all broke! Get a job! Get up! Get out! Get!”
Filled with rage, she is determined to solve the city homeless dilemma. Knowing that most homeless people are too psycho for work, yet too sane for a mental ward, she concludes that the only way they will properly be “taken care of” is in jail.
She starts moonlighting as an underground criminal.
She begins setting up all of these random crimes – framing various homeless people. She thinks of herself as some type of Robin Hood. Slowly the homeless population dwindles, and DC Comics hear about the girl through their underground crime contact (how else do they know about superheroes??).
The girl is offered a chance to be immortalized in DC Comics. So she quits her day job, and vows to stay underground.
Just what DC wanted. They make the comic. The comic is a success.
The girl is never seen or heard from again – the homeless population stays dramatically low, and it is rumored that she is receiving DC Comics royalties upwards of 12 billion a year. There has also been talk of her dating Batman.
And that would be the story about how a superhero – as delusional as the superhero works, is made.


Maybe I'm missing something with this whole "illegal immigrants can work here for a while legally" thing that Bush is proposing. It seems like such an obvious trap. Why would an illegal immigrant want to step forward and admit that they are here illegally - plus they will bring home less because of taxes.
If the government knows who is illegal - why don't they just throw them back to their homeland?
Its like we are rewarding them for getting into the country.
I just don't get it.
It seems so obvious what's really going on -
"Here illegal aliens, Here illegal aliens, work in the US! Pay taxes! Oh, hey - try not to make any babies while you are here.... And then - oh wait - are you going to vote for me or what? Remember, 'Yo hablo Espanol.' I thought me speaking Spanish would work the first time, but you still don't seem to be understanding that you should be voting for me. What else do you want? Okay fine, I will let a few cocaine shipments through Miami. But that's where I draw the line. As long as you vote for me. Heck, I can translate voting directions to Spanish for you - well, you probably can't understand me anyway so let me take that ballot from you and do it myself............"
Hollywood reaction to Bush proposal allowing illegal immigrants to work in the U.S. for two year stints:
Illegal immigrant falls in love with a legal citizen. Cutesy romance. Audience loves them.
22 months later.
The immigrant has to leave. Parting shots of the immigrant leaving – sad, tearful goodbye, major make out scene.
9 months later:
In the last throws of passion. Legal citizen gets pregnant. Has love child.
Court Scenes:
Legal citizen fights the system to permit her illegal immigrant back to the states to live. They loose the battle - and the legal citizen goes on for five years raising the love child in the rough neighborhoods of San Diego – (so she can be close to her boarder hopping lover.)
San Diego Life:
They meet twice a year, and the audience questions if their love will fade.... The love child has only seen her illegal immigrant father through barbed wires, or in pitch black. Legal Citizen is growing tired of bring fresh veggies and fruit to illegal immigrant. Love is starting to strain...
The Zoo:
one day at the San Diego Zoo - a smart, witty lawyer spots the love child climbing into the dangerous lions den - he swoops the five year old up, and says "where's your mother?!" when all of a sudden from behind a palm tree - the legal citizen appears. Love at first site. The lawyer spends the rest of the day with the love child and the legal citizen - buying them cotton candy, hot dogs, and San Diego Zoo t-shirts. While they are seated at the San Diego Zoo Cafe, the lawyer questions a mysterious heart tattoo on the legal citizen that reads "I heart illegal aliens".
Silent Orchestrated Court Scenes:
The scenes that follow are shots of the dramatic court battle showing smart witty lawyer fighting to get the illegal alien back in the U.S. (they are put to a moving symphonic masterpiece which will be put together by the Disney Philharmonic Orchestra.)
Illegal immigrant is finally granted citizenship. Parting shot of illegal immigrant now turned US citizen squeezing love child.... next: Mysteriousus shot of legal citizen giving intense, longing, loving glance at smart, witty lawyer.........
Fade To Black.


Any ideas as to why Jay Leno was at Celine Dion's star ceremony? I had no idea they were friends. Call me out of touch.

Today I entered the “help us name our restaurant” contest happening at this not-yet-open-falafel-joint down on St. Marks place. Knowing that it is located below an NYU dorm, and that it will most likely be frequented by students and cheesy village lovers, I submitted the following ideas: (oh yeah – the prize is 25 hundred smackers. In cash;)

St. Pitas Place
Tangled up in Shawarma
Pita’s R’ Us
Pitas on the Storm
Sex Pitas
Pita Pita Pumpkin Ita
Sonic Pita
Pita Calling
Falafel Dorm
Falafel 5 (everything is like under 5 bucks)
Falafel Fever
23 St. Falafel Place
Punk Pita
Pita Punks
Shawarma Dorma
Falafel Dorm
Yellow Pita Marine
All You Need is Pita
Everybody vote this year for the Bloggie Awards!!

I would like to win for "best kept secret" The best underrepresented weblogs. I got no reps man. I have good ideas. Where's the love?


Anise: So what is your New Year’s Resolution?
Doug: Well it’s the same one I made last year, and the same one I am going to make next year. I have never broken my resolution.
A:What is it?
D: Well, it’s three fold:
1.) I will not go to Mozambique.
2.) I will not buy and elephant.
3.) I will not drive a truck cross country.
I thought this like three weeks ago -

Big Fish is a updated Forrest Gump.


All of these thoughts stem from my watching the movie American Splendor. (Which would have been my favorite movie of 03'. But I saw it Jan. 1st.)
1. Blogging is the Harvey Pekar comic book of our generation.
2. My favorite city right now, is Cleveland. I have never been there, it wasn't portrayed in any beautiful sense in American Splendor - but it just seems like a place where people might want to stay and set up camp for a while.
3. The way American Splendor was done - reminds me of how I sometimes see events in my life. You kind of take in all in - and then add a caption. Like yesterday, on my run around the reservoir in Central Park. There is a point at the top of the loop - where you can see all of central park - midtown - and both sides of Manhattan. This is my fave part of the run - so yesterday I took a moment to do my usuals - a) give a nod to my 32nd floor coworkers in the black building ahead, b) check progress of the Time Warner Buildings, and c) look at this one building that looks like saraongs tower, and remind myself to look for it on my lunch break. So after doing all these things, I took a look West - (Wow) I took a look East - (Gosh) and was overcome with this sense of power and competition. I looked at both sides and added the caption: "East vs. West." I found it funny. Most of you probably wouldn't find that very funny.
4. Harvey Pekar is the New Yorker cartoonist of the Midwest.
5. American Splendor is the Annie Hall of our generation.

Paul Giamatti and Harvey Pekar. Apparently Paul's dad was the prez of Baseball when the Pete Rose incident happened. Or something like that.
I have always wanted to make a physical map of the freckles of my body. Make everything 2 dimensional. A personal constellation chart of sorts. In fact, I would want it to be printed in Negative - Dark blue w/ each freckle would be white/glowing. Like a map of the Solar System/Universe.
One of my fave artists Tim Hawkinson, did something similar to this. He made a roller stamp out of ever part of his body – so lets take your wrist for example. Put your wrist in a plaster mold – fill the mold with the rubber stamp material – put it on a roller, and presto chango, you have a roller stamp of your wrist. Then you stamp it on paper.
So yeah, it would be kind of like that.
O yeah - it would be made in a Maude Lebowski-esque studio.
I just found something that I wrote on a piece of paper a while back, yet found today:

"I wonder when life will start getting real. I guess I am not watching enought MTV."
Last night my G-ma told me that one of the perks of my G-pa being in a nursing home was the fact that she gets to watch all the football she wants. Then she went on about the Seahawks game. I just sat there. I didn't have anything to contribute.
As far as the Seahawks go - I have this fact: I got two scholarships when I graduated High School. One of them was in memory of a boy named Ben Olsen. He died of cancer during his junior year. The cool thing about Ben was that he had an amazing voice. He once sang the national anthem down in Seattle at a Seahawks game. He was like the Ryan White of our little town called Kenai.
Here's something else - Ben also got to make a wish with the "Make a Wish" foundation. He got to travel to yours truly - NYC - and saw Phantom of the Opera, and was able to go backstage and meet the cast. Everyone in my town thought that was totally awesome. I think the photo of him and the cast of Phantom was in our yearbook that year.


quoting from movies is the inside joke of our generation.
I was in FAO Shwartz this Friday with the world renowned Ms. Johnson. We were looking for things to do.
We end up flipping-off the lines at both the Wollman Rink, and Rockefeller Center. We both share a hatred for lines. That I hopefully will never loose. If my family ever wants to go to Disney world in any month other than September - they will be traveling by themselves. Vacations should not include lines. Neither should life.
So anyway - back to the dying FAO. We walk in - I had forgotten about the bankrupt thing, and didn't really think it was really in effect. Know what I mean? I thought it was just something we would be "hearing" about.
All the shelves are virtually empty. Robin looks around and says how depressed it is to be in there, but still wanted to see the Dying City. We went upstairs to Barbie world. Both of us equally curious. In Barbies place they had strollers for triplets, and dirty rugs. In Lego's place they hat tattered plastic, and a broken soldier. In candy's place they had stale gumballs and a bin of mint red/white swirly candies.
"Gross. No kid eats those mints. They are for grown-ups."
The piano from Big was Norma Desmond.

"Come on lets at least get some gum, Robin!"
"I can't because of my retainer"
"Oh - well I am going to get a piece."

So then we existed stage left, and adjusted the hypnotic FAO banter on the corner of 59th and 5th:
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world of shelves.
Finishing a great movie is the kiss at the end of a first-base make out session.
You kind of just have to sit there when its over and say out loud "man, that was great"
Whether you are in a movie theatre or on the couch
Then you wait a couple more minutes and go "yep - that was an amazing movie"
Just like that innocent first-base make out - it hits all the right spots - but is still a piece of celluloid or a laser, none the less.
Neither can make a baby, or change the world; - but are nice options and thoughts to have laying around.
The movie Network made me realize that in order to head up a large corporation - you must have a religious/cult like charisma about you. You must be able to emulate God. Or at least think that.
Hudsucker Proxy is the Network of our generation.
Welcome to the inner thoughts of my sick mind:
I finally know the answer to the question that has been haunting me since I started working in this office:
Question: Which toilet is used least, in the ladies room??

Answer: The second from the right.

Why: Because at 09:30 this morning the lid was still up. No woman in their right mind would put the lid up after peeing. If they do, they are in the wrong bathroom. It is an underwritten rule (in the world of germ-o-phobes) that in a ladies bathroom, when the lid is still up, your seat has been freshly cleaned.
Of course I have been secretly keeping track of which stall receives the least amount of traffic. The last and first stalls are the most popular - always occupied. It is rare to see the second and third stalls filled – so I was debating between the two. Well, after 10 months of internal note taking, I have my answer.

So. Pecking order of stalls from most traffic to least traffic:
1. first stall
2. last stall
3. third stall
4. second stall

P.S. Don’t everyone start using that second stall. Its mine.