I had an imaginary conversation with my Mom* today. I tell you this, because I am going to write like it really happened. Writing in the whatever-person that would be, gets tedious. okay? thanks. So today I called my mom and was telling her about the recent success I have been having with jogging. She was at home baking, another one of her salacious banana bread loafs, I could practically smell the aroma wafting through my cell phone! Anyway, offering her usual words of encouragement, I was telling her about why today was special -
" Hey Ma, I actually passed 12 people today, on my jog around the reservoir!"
She calmly asks, "Honey, are you referring to that flock of school children on their way to school, again?"
"No, this time, they were legitimate joggers, both male and female, all jogging, under 80 years old."
"Well, congratulations honey, you always were my favorite."
"Gee, you are too kind. Now about this month's rent check..."
"Actually Anise, about your jogging. I have an idea. Tell me, honey, are there a lot of men jogging this same course you take?"
"Yeah, but I carry the pepper spray you sent. No need to worry."
"Oh silly girl! There will be no need for that! I was thinking this would be a great way for you to meet a nice man - who is proactive in taking care of his physical health"
"Right. I don’t see any opportunities to start chatting it up, nor are there any 'running-café-pit-stops', well, unless you take into consideration the hot dog stand, but what kind of guy do you expect would be buying hot dogs, while he is jogging around Central Park?"
"Oh dear. True, we wouldn’t want that. Why don’t you post an ad on one of those city websites you tell me about - asking for a running partner?"
"Jeepers! You come up with the best ideas Ma! I will post an ad today."
So, after that long-winded introduction, here is an ad I dreamed up on my run today:
Wanted: running partner.
Hi! I am looking for a running partner to run the Reservoir with me. 8 a.m. daily. We can meet at the 84th St. entrance by the Met. I will be wearing a sweat stained running shirt, old mud stained sneakers, and since I will have just rolled out of bed, my hair will be stringy and unkempt. If you are lucky, I will have hopefully taken a swig of Listerine before leaving, however given the time of morning, the chances of that happening are slim - so bring a facemask at your own discretion. What I am looking for in a running partner: 1. no 80's polyester running shorts need apply. Seeing your hairy bum should not happen on the course. Save it for later. 2. You must be okay with running on my right side, because sometimes when I run, the left side of my neck - (I am assuming that’s my jugular) starts pounding. I worry that it might explode. My visions of this are not far off from that old SNL skit, where that one guy is lifting weights, and in his attempt, his arms detach from his body. 3. Please bring a towel/cape/or extra shirt for the puddles on the rainy days. Those puddles can be dreadful, and I wouldn’t want my feet getting wet. 4. I don't like talking while I jog. It's distracting, and I typically like to spend that time thinking about my day, dreams I had, trees, the earth's position in the universe, battleships, cosmonauts, songs that I have stuck in my head, and just how I fit into the general scheme of things. 5. 'Cash' or ' Bentley' should be either your first, middle, or last name.
* Mom- take no offense. It was too early to call you, and I already had our dialogue mapped out in my head. I couldn't take the risk of you saying the wrong thing.