1. If you look and dress like the Ice Man - run as fast as you can away from fire.
2. If you spot acts of terrorism, and have blue hair, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.*
3. Beware of big red arrows. They are agressive and want to enter doors before you do. If you happen to come across a big red arrow, pin it down with your right shoulder.
4. If your building collapses, climb under your desk, and give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.*
5. In the event that orange spray paint should attack you, stand and think about the orange hazard sign, and how it feels when it's attacked like that.
6. While relaxing under debri - get creative with your flashlight. Make hand puppets. Pretend like people are with you, put the flashlight up to your face and shout "boo!"
7. From this, I am getting the strong feeling that a certain point in Texas is Radioactive.
8. If exit door is being attacked by orange arrows - grab your plastic hand (should have gotten one of those when you were getting duct tape) and karate chop door.
9. God, that orange sign wont leave me at peace. Gee, is that a dead bird? What's this? Dead fish? Man, everything is swirling together in an orange haze. First my face, then my hair, and now this? What is going on here? I may have to stand here for a while and think this through.
10. When you look at people with pink crud in their eyes - your hands get all pink and blotchy. People will start calling you Michael Jackson.
11. Michael Jackson wears a mask, and dangles babies from balconies. This shot was taken of him in Paris, back in January - after he was allegedly caught breast feeding ChiChi the Chimpanzee at the Le Presto Zoo.
12. Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region, for about 5 minutes and 12 seconds.*
13. After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you and your pet arrow may have mutated to gigantic dimensions.
14. If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.*
15. If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.*
16. If your lungs and stomach start talking, remove all clothing, paint yourself white, with a black border, and stand with your arms open, so we know that you are the freak with the lungs, and stomach that started talking..
17. I keep seeing strange colors in front of that orange swirly thing. I might as well strangle myself.
18. Avoid standing around. This can only lead to ungodly urges - such as wanting to pretend like you are a doggie- getting attacked by a red arrow from behind. Then you will remember that your dead relatives are watching from heaven. The guilt you will feel upon realizing this will force you to cover your eyes in shame, and roll circles in the fetal position.
19. "911? Yes, there has been an accident. My name is Mark. I am 9 years old. We are on the corner of Keltcher and Curry. My Mom drove us straight into an electical pole. I don't think she has been drinking, why do you ask? What? Do I put my mom under a lot of stress? Well, no more than the usual kid. Yeah, my parents are divorced. No. we live alone - I see him on the weekends. He is dating some blonde lady from this really fun restaurant where all the girls wear owl shirts. Yeah, sometimes my mom gets upset about it. No, I don't think she is on a death wish......"
20. Hi. I have blue hair, I wear the same thing every day. I have no face. What is the point of my existence? Why am I here? Should I walk over to the other side or not? Should I walk over to the other side or not? God, I just dont know. My whole life I have felt like some symbol, just going through the motions....
21. Should the explosion happen on a Tic Tac Toe grid, here is your escape route:
22. Along with duct tape, be sure to carry an apple and orange soda can with you at all times.
* denotes that the caption was to my liking - so I didn't change it completely. just did a little tweaking.