ANYC: 01.04

I just read the NYTimes review on this season's The Osbournes. I am beginning to think the poor family has bad karma. What else could it be? That's not a terribly horrid thing, but it should be taken into consideration.

The Osbournes got bad karma.

Wrigleys owns all of the gum made here in the U.S. Did you know that? I thought it was all separate - like Big Red was Big Red, and Juicy Fruit was Juicy Fruit. But no, this is America. What was I thinking.
Anyway, the only reason I know this is because I wanted to do a little promoting.
Buy the new
Extra flavor - wildberry. Its good.
I am not sure there will be a superbowl commercial about WildBerry Extra gum, but there should be.

Along the lines of gum.
Last night on the Metro North New Haven line, I read this passage in The Solace of Open Spaces by Gretel Ehrlich. I will quote it for your reading enjoyment.

"From the clayey soil of northern Wyoming is mined bentonite, which is used as a filler in candy, gum, and lipstick. We Americans are great on fillers, as if what we have, what we are, is not enough. We have a cultural tendency toward denial, but, being affluent, we strangle ourselves with what we can buy. We have only to look at the houses we build to see how we build against space, the way we drink against pain and loneliness. We fill up space as if it were a pie shell, with things whose opacity further obstructs our ability to see what is already there."

Today this made me laugh. I really like Pixar. On Saturday some friends and I agreed that those Pixar kids are most definately creating things "under the influence". Word of advice - (Sherri - you can back me up on this) WATCH ANTZ! HIGH.

Oh boy! Just what my cold Alaskan heart has been dying for. A little NYC props. This Saturday at 1pm in Brooklyn there were will be a mock Idiotarod. See Details below. You know I will be there!

when: Sat 1.24 (1pm)
where: Pedro's Bar and Restaurant (73 Jay St, DUMBO, 718.855.8910)
price: $5 per person / $25 per team
links: Event Info
description: Sure Alaskan huskies are cute, but drunken idiots are a lot funnier. This stroke-of-ignoramus reinterpretation of the famous Alaskan Iditarod dogsled race shifts the workhorse indignities from dog to human, replacing the sled with a shopping cart and the huskies with men and women. Beginning in DUMBO and ending in Union Square, teams of racers (four pullers, one rider) must hit two checkpoints along the way, but there's no specified route — it's every idiot for himself. So, get to work "finding" a cart and modifying it for increased shock absorption. It's time to pull your own weight — mush! (JKG)

Here is an account of the REAL iditarod yo!

Script idea about how a anti-homeless lunatic becomes a DC Comics superhero.
A girl at Citibank is getting money early in the morning. A homeless guy calls out from a shadow:
“You got change?”
“Hey mister, I barely have change for myself.”
Then, as she is depositing 40 dollars cash in her delinquent account, she is overcome with guilt. She scoops up all her spare change, and drops it in his filthy palm
“You know, I am giving you part of my lunch money.”
The man does not really understand because he is kind of crazy
“Hey! Do you understand what I just said?? I am giving you my lunch money. We are all broke! Get a job! Get up! Get out! Get!”
Filled with rage, she is determined to solve the city homeless dilemma. Knowing that most homeless people are too psycho for work, yet too sane for a mental ward, she concludes that the only way they will properly be “taken care of” is in jail.
She starts moonlighting as an underground criminal.
She begins setting up all of these random crimes – framing various homeless people. She thinks of herself as some type of Robin Hood. Slowly the homeless population dwindles, and DC Comics hear about the girl through their underground crime contact (how else do they know about superheroes??).
The girl is offered a chance to be immortalized in DC Comics. So she quits her day job, and vows to stay underground.
Just what DC wanted. They make the comic. The comic is a success.
The girl is never seen or heard from again – the homeless population stays dramatically low, and it is rumored that she is receiving DC Comics royalties upwards of 12 billion a year. There has also been talk of her dating Batman.
And that would be the story about how a superhero – as delusional as the superhero works, is made.

Hollywood reaction to Bush proposal allowing illegal immigrants to work in the U.S. for two year stints:
Illegal immigrant falls in love with a legal citizen. Cutesy romance. Audience loves them.
22 months later.
The immigrant has to leave. Parting shots of the immigrant leaving – sad, tearful goodbye, major make out scene.
9 months later:
In the last throws of passion. Legal citizen gets pregnant. Has love child.
Court Scenes:
Legal citizen fights the system to permit her illegal immigrant back to the states to live. They loose the battle - and the legal citizen goes on for five years raising the love child in the rough neighborhoods of San Diego – (so she can be close to her boarder hopping lover.)
San Diego Life:
They meet twice a year, and the audience questions if their love will fade.... The love child has only seen her illegal immigrant father through barbed wires, or in pitch black. Legal Citizen is growing tired of bring fresh veggies and fruit to illegal immigrant. Love is starting to strain...
The Zoo:
one day at the San Diego Zoo - a smart, witty lawyer spots the love child climbing into the dangerous lions den - he swoops the five year old up, and says "where's your mother?!" when all of a sudden from behind a palm tree - the legal citizen appears. Love at first site. The lawyer spends the rest of the day with the love child and the legal citizen - buying them cotton candy, hot dogs, and San Diego Zoo t-shirts. While they are seated at the San Diego Zoo Cafe, the lawyer questions a mysterious heart tattoo on the legal citizen that reads "I heart illegal aliens".
Silent Orchestrated Court Scenes:
The scenes that follow are shots of the dramatic court battle showing smart witty lawyer fighting to get the illegal alien back in the U.S. (they are put to a moving symphonic masterpiece which will be put together by the Disney Philharmonic Orchestra.)
Illegal immigrant is finally granted citizenship. Parting shot of illegal immigrant now turned US citizen squeezing love child.... next: Mysteriousus shot of legal citizen giving intense, longing, loving glance at smart, witty lawyer.........
Fade To Black.

Everybody vote this year for the Bloggie Awards!!

I would like to win for "best kept secret" The best underrepresented weblogs. I got no reps man. I have good ideas. Where's the love?

All of these thoughts stem from my watching the movie American Splendor. (Which would have been my favorite movie of 03'. But I saw it Jan. 1st.)
1. Blogging is the Harvey Pekar comic book of our generation.
2. My favorite city right now, is Cleveland. I have never been there, it wasn't portrayed in any beautiful sense in American Splendor - but it just seems like a place where people might want to stay and set up camp for a while.
3. The way American Splendor was done - reminds me of how I sometimes see events in my life. You kind of take in all in - and then add a caption. Like yesterday, on my run around the reservoir in Central Park. There is a point at the top of the loop - where you can see all of central park - midtown - and both sides of Manhattan. This is my fave part of the run - so yesterday I took a moment to do my usuals - a) give a nod to my 32nd floor coworkers in the black building ahead, b) check progress of the Time Warner Buildings, and c) look at this one building that looks like saraongs tower, and remind myself to look for it on my lunch break. So after doing all these things, I took a look West - (Wow) I took a look East - (Gosh) and was overcome with this sense of power and competition. I looked at both sides and added the caption: "East vs. West." I found it funny. Most of you probably wouldn't find that very funny.
4. Harvey Pekar is the New Yorker cartoonist of the Midwest.
American Splendor is the Annie Hall of our generation.

Paul Giamatti and Harvey Pekar. Apparently Paul's dad was the prez of Baseball when the Pete Rose incident happened. Or something like that.

I have always wanted to make a physical map of the freckles of my body. Make everything 2 dimensional. A personal constellation chart of sorts. In fact, I would want it to be printed in Negative - Dark blue w/ each freckle would be white/glowing. Like a map of the Solar System/Universe.
One of my fave artists
Tim Hawkinson, did something similar to this. He made a roller stamp out of ever part of his body – so lets take your wrist for example. Put your wrist in a plaster mold – fill the mold with the rubber stamp material – put it on a roller, and presto chango, you have a roller stamp of your wrist. Then you stamp it on paper.
So yeah, it would be kind of like that.
O yeah - it would be made in a Maude Lebowski-esque studio.

I was in FAO Shwartz this Friday with the world renowned Ms. Johnson. We were looking for things to do.
We end up flipping-off the lines at both the Wollman Rink, and Rockefeller Center. We both share a hatred for lines. That I hopefully will never loose. If my family ever wants to go to Disney world in any month other than September - they will be traveling by themselves. Vacations should not include lines. Neither should life.
So anyway - back to the dying FAO. We walk in - I had forgotten about the bankrupt thing, and didn't really think it was really in effect. Know what I mean? I thought it was just something we would be "hearing" about.
All the shelves are virtually empty. Robin looks around and says how depressed it is to be in there, but still wanted to see the Dying City. We went upstairs to Barbie world. Both of us equally curious. In Barbies place they had strollers for triplets, and dirty rugs. In Lego's place they hat tattered plastic, and a broken soldier. In candy's place they had stale gumballs and a bin of mint red/white swirly candies.
"Gross. No kid eats those mints. They are for grown-ups."
The piano from Big was Norma Desmond.

"Come on lets at least get some gum, Robin!"
"I can't because of my retainer"
"Oh - well I am going to get a piece."

So then we existed stage left, and adjusted the hypnotic FAO banter on the corner of 59th and 5th:
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world of shelves.